LIVING WITH FEAR: A JOURNEY TO FAITH
For as long as I can remember, fear has been a part of my life, like a birthmark or a random scar that never left. If I was in the room, fear lingered somewhere behind me. As a little girl, fear landed in my dreams and bicycles and snow sleds. As I grew up, it seeped into my friendships and opportunities. As a woman, it has touched my thoughts on mortality and my marriage. What I have noticed in all my years of dealing with fear is that it offers a false sense of safety, a cozy nook away from pain or heartache. Deceptively, it allows me to always be prepared for the worst, never fully present in any moment, and keeps me constantly on edge for anything and everything.
Coming from a Christian background, fear was first categorized as an evil spirit. It was a “fiery dart from the Enemy,” in my mother’s words. Later, I learned it was evidence of my lack of trust or knowledge of God. It magnified the areas where I was only using my strength instead of His.
Fear Was a Mark of My Unbelief in the Character of God
Learning, comprehending, and applying the knowledge of God's character is a layered experience. I heard things like “I am fearfully and wonderfully made,” “I have plans to prosper you and not to harm you,” and “Nothing can separate us from the love of God” all my life. My mom, pastors, and worship leaders recited these scriptures like chants, but these truths didn’t take root. They floated in my mind and heart while I rummaged through years of collected evidence to decide if what God said was true. It is written that He created me for a purpose, but when my life wasn’t progressing the way I wanted, I questioned if that was the truth. It is written that He will give me the desires of my heart if I delight in Him, but when I didn’t get into dental school, I grappled with the idea that He may be a liar or, at the very least, that He lied to me. It is written that He will never leave me or forsake me, but when I was tormented by thoughts and dreams, I found Him to be absent or, at the very least, not reliable. I didn’t know what to do. My life, my thoughts, and the things I could see and touch were all telling me one thing, and this God that I knew “kind of” was trying to get me to believe something else?
Identifying the Lies I Believed About Myself Exposed Where Fractures Were in My Relationship with God
In every lie I believed about myself, I learned that I became the Lord or allowed someone or something else to be the Lord of this area. For my sense of worth, the opinions of others, jobs, and schools became my Lord. For my capabilities, my failures and disappointments became my Lord. For my validation, the approval and justification of lovers and strangers became my Lord. I was obedient to and allowed my life to be evidence of what I was choosing to serve. Fear, insecurity, validation, approval, men, love, friends, and success ruled over me, and I allowed myself to be subject to whatever fruit, good or bad, it brought into my life.
Building my life on the foundation of who God is transformed the way I viewed myself and the way I viewed Him. Coming out of agreement with lies that I have believed for years has taken courage, trust, and complete faith. The following steps have helped me progress in building a firm foundation in God:
Identifying the lies I have believed through self-reflection and prayer.
Identifying current elements of my life that intensify or confirm the lies I have believed (habits, music, television, relationships, passions, etc.).
Coming out of agreement with these lies through prayer, scripture, and repentance.
Learning the truth about myself and God through studying the Word, discipleship, prayer, and Godly community.
This list is not all encompassing! There may be things God reveals to you that He did not reveal to me. Remember to always allow God to move freely in your complete deliverance!
Bringing My Finite, Fleshly, and Limited Understanding of God Bred the Environment for My Ultimate Deception and Unbelief
Faith is described in scripture as the reality of what we hope for and the evidence of things we cannot see. It also says in scripture that the Word of God is God-breathed and requires the Holy Spirit to fully understand, comprehend, and apply. When I was at the pinnacle of my struggle with fear and anxiety, I did not realize that I was trying to use the keys of the world to unlock kingdom promises. After allowing my mind to be renewed by faith, I learned that the things of God are not accessed by what I can see. It was like a light bulb came on and I was finally able to understand. My salvation is accessed by faith, the power of God is accessed by faith, and my righteousness is accessed by faith. Furthermore, the evidence of my worth, my purpose, my abilities, and my place in His heart is all accessed and revealed to me through my faith.
I learned, like I hope all of you will learn, the undeniable, irrefutable, consistent, and faithful character of the only living true God.
