YOUR NEEDS, YOUR BUSINESS

It's difficult not to attribute a significant part of our emotional, interpersonal, and personal development to the influence of our parents. So much of how we understand and navigate the world is shaped by their emotional capacity, maturity, and availability. While this doesn't excuse the emotional neglect, abuse, or toxic behaviors that may have been passed down from our nuclear family, it's important to recognize that people often act based on what they know and have experienced themselves.

We don't condemn the starving for the measures they take to find food, nor do we judge the less fortunate for relying on the behaviors they've learned to navigate life. People can only act based on what they know and what they've seen work until they learn, understand, and practice new ways.

The emotional needs we all carry—to be heard and seen, understood and known, respected and loved—deserve the same attention as our basic necessities. The lengths people go to and the sacrifices they make to receive love, understanding, and validation reflect the intensity of these needs. So, let’s honor ourselves by identifying our needs and discovering new ways to effectively communicate them with others.

in adulthood we have the freedom and authority to increase our understanding of ourselves and how to navigate life.

For some of us, we grew up in homes where body language and tone of voice were the primary means of communication. For others, screaming, name-calling, and temper tantrums were the only behaviors that garnered attention. And then, there were those who simply had no one to argue with at all. Whether the parents were too busy or unequipped, when it came to emotional needs, it often felt safer to remain silent than to ask—or there wasn’t even an opportunity to ask.

Our communication styles, love languages, attachment styles, and conflict resolution skills are often, if not always, born and cultivated by our nuclear family. Now, as an adult, it is our jobs to sift through our tool box to identify what works and what doesn’t, what causes harm and what is useful.

the four types of communication styles include: passive, passive-aggressive, Aggressive, and assertive.

Passive communicators run from conflict at all costs. By doing this, the opportunity for resentment, bitterness, and deeply seated anger to fester and deteriorate relationships grows. Validation and complete acceptance are usually the primary needs of the passive person. Fear of needs or boundaries being violated due to past experiences can also contribute to this communication style.

Passive-aggressive communicators avoid accountability at all costs. Using both passive and aggressive communication styles one is able to evade responsibility. A back handed compliment is explained away with “It was a joke, don’t be so sensitive.”. When confronted directly about actions or statements, a helpless, confused, or passive attitude ensues. Often times, the passive-aggressive communicator is hard to confront because of the confusion and ambiguity around their actions. For this communicator a fear of rejection and a need for control can also drive this style.

Aggressive communicators use force and intimidation to get what they want. The use of force is temporarily effective for these communicators, but they are not well-liked and struggle with self-esteem. Their need for control, impact from past experiences, and possible victimhood all contribute to their aggressive communication.

Assertive communicators effectively communicate their needs and desires while rejecting the need to control, force, or manipulate others. Assertive communicators relinquish their attachment to outcomes because they understand that control is not a useful tool when dealing with others. By centering respect for themselves and others, they naturally distance themselves from the temptation to manipulate. In the passive, passive-aggressive, and aggressive communication styles, the goal is often to have your way, meet or avoid a need, or control the other person. However, assertive communicators hold space for their own needs while simultaneously respecting the needs of others.

assertive communication is a skill that has to be learned, practiced, and consistently applied.

The foundation of assertiveness lies in freedom, respect, and self-value. When we exercise our freedom to express our needs and desires, grounded in the respect and value we hold for ourselves, we become capable of assertive communication. This, in turn, allows you to extend the same freedom, respect, and value to others. However, if there is a breach in our own respect and self-value we won’t be able to hold that space for another person.

When we have experienced relational inconsistencies and unpredictability, we may develop a need to control our outcomes. When we are uncertain about where our next dose of love, attention, or validation will come from—or when we don’t trust our ability to walk away from situations that don’t align with us—we can start to behave irrationally. We choose force, manipulation, or silence in an attempt to get the things that we rightfully need. Although our wants, needs, and desires are rightful and legitimate, the pathway we take to get them is reflective of our commitment to our development and overall progress.

As you discover your assertiveness language remember the following:

• Identification of your wants, needs, and desires is your responsibility.

• Clear, non-violent, and direct language allows you to take ownership over your needs while inviting the other person to choose how they will respond.

• Your needs have always mattered.

• Control is not a sustainable way to communicate or build relationships with others.