THE GREATEST LOVE OF ALL
A few days had passed before we spoke. His name flashed across my screen, and I nervously read, “Tell me what you’re thinking.” I replied, "I can’t make you care about me. No matter what I do or how I treat you, I can’t make you love me more or treat me better."
His response, much like his heart throughout the entire relationship, was absent of any sensitivity and understanding towards me. Days passed, and I stalled aimlessly, still unsure if life without him would be any better than what we had shared.
My voice was still shaking by the third voice note I rerecorded. "I’m sorry, but I can’t do this anymore," I began. It was the second time we had broken up that year. The first time, a one-sentence text: "I think you want to break up with me and don’t know how, so I will," I sent it and immediately blocked him. I lasted a week before I convinced myself to believe in him, in us, in his half-hearted words, "I’ll do better, baby, I promise." Now, 8 months later, we were having the same conversation all over again.
Choosing relationships solely based on my desire for love made me more susceptible to accepting the bare minimum.
A couple of weeks after we ended, he had someone else plastered all over his Instagram. "You send me swingin’" was the caption for their picture. After a couple of clicks, there she was, 400 likes, 50 comments. A bitter laugh choked me on its way out. I couldn’t believe I was here again, picking another woman apart bit by bit, comparing our eyes and noses, ours boobs and thighs, her smile or mine. I thought I was past this part, but my insecurities had a funny way of slipping out of my hands and onto everything else.
My brother only lasted a couple days before telling me how he really felt. After a brief silence, he began, “Most women will choose a nigga with money but no character or a nigga with character but not money. You ain’t pick a nigga with either so why are you crying?” I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry so I just did both. Daniel, much like my mother, never understood why I chose who I chose. Whether it was a friendship or a relationship they marveled at what I was willing to accept, what I was willing to go without.
aLIGNING MYSELF WITH GOD THROUGH OBEDIENCE CHANGED MY LIFE FOREVER
A month or so had passed before Credo came into the picture the first time. On his Instagram story, he asked if other people worked out when they were stressed—an invitation, I assumed, to inquire about the ebbs and flows of his life. We talked for a while that day and every day following until I felt like God was telling me to end the relationship. Annoyed and prone to disobedience, I bargained, forced myself to believe I misheard, but it was an ache that relented. A thought that stayed glued to the front of my mind morning, noon, and night. So, I sent a voice message detailing what I believed God was telling me to do and how much I hoped we could reconnect. He didn’t respond. Call it great boundaries or ego, I liked him, so I told myself he was respecting me and my obedience.
When I surrendered my desire to be loved and known by man to God, I learned more about God’s heart, and He showed me that He always knew mine.
In my free time, I began reading a book called Captivating. The author discussed femininity and womanhood in a way that made me feel seen by God. In my desire to be loved, chosen, and adored, I matched the heart of my Father. He wants to be loved by me. He wants to be adored by me. He wants to be chosen by me. He simply desires my faithfulness. In the Old Testament with the Israelites or in the New Testament with the life of Jesus, God shows a deep desire to be loved, wanted, and adored.
After sitting with this for a while, I felt the same way I did when I learned someone had the same birthday as me or when someone told me my hands look like my mother’s. He and I were connected. He knew me. Our hearts have broken in similar ways, we ache in similar places. Because our desires were similar here, it allowed Him to know the depth of my pain, the depth of my desires. Moreover, it increased His qualifications for handling that part of my life.
I could trust God with this part of my heart because He knows and always has known what I need.
On a random day in late February, Credo slid into my DMs because he missed my beautiful face and witty banter.
After four months of silence, he wrote, "Don’t be liking my pictures unless you’re tryna get all this love and affection." Without letting a full second pass, I replied, "I’m tryna get it." No “lol,” so he knew I was serious. By the first week of March, we were having our first date. By April, we were saying "I love you," and by May, we were talking about getting married. In three months, God managed to show me what I had spent the last six years trying to create on my own.
I didn’t realize how little I thought of myself and how little I thought of God’s desires for me until we started dating. I never imagined having someone who wanted to know me, truly know me, just because I was me. Someone who paid attention to the little things just as much as the big things because of how much he cared. Someone who always showed up, always followed through, and always made me feel like loving me was the easiest part of his day. I wouldn’t have chosen that for myself, not because I didn’t want it, but because it didn’t seem realistic to want that much.
THE GREATEST LOVE I WILL EVER KNOW EXISTS IN THE RELATIONSHIP I HAVE WITH GOD
I, like most people, have allowed myself to get jaded by life. I adopted and shape-shifted into what I thought was current or good at any given moment. I was malleable, jumping from hand to hand, allowing myself to be molded into whatever version of myself was good at the time. My dreams, my plans, my thoughts were only as big as my heart in a particular moment. I never realized how limiting that was, how small I was playing it, until I allowed more room for God to move in my life.
He could have allowed me to marry anybody. He could have allowed Credo to marry somebody completely different. But, He chose a man that would love me in a way that pushed me further into His arms. Credo isn’t perfect, but I am surprised daily at how well he loves me. How much more does a perfect God love me? How much more does He think of me? God doesn’t need me, His plans will move forward without me, but He wants me. He chooses me, and He has orchestrated my life in a way that allows me to see Him everywhere and in everything.
I don’t have a body big enough to contain His thoughts towards me or His plans for me or His love for me. Choosing to believe God is good and that He has good things for me and He thinks good things about me transformed the way I experienced His love and how well I was able to accept His blessings and His redirections.
