A LITTLE RESTLESS CONTROL FREAK

I’ve never really thought of myself as someone who struggled with anxiety. Lost luggage? It'll show up. Moving to a new country? A fresh adventure. Losing a baby? It wasn’t the right time. Moving back to America? An old adventure repurposed. When people asked how I was doing, I’d say fine. Life felt a bit like rolling down a hill in my backyard with Daniel when we were kids—a little bumpy, steep in some places, but I’d always end up in a place where I could stand.

Still, life has been moving faster than I could fully process. Clothes, both new and old, piled into suitcases as our life in Zambia came to an end and a familiar life in America started again. It wasn’t until the first six-hour flight that I began to feel the weight of the past four months. No baby, no house, no clear direction—just us, with everything that God changed in us and blessed us with during our time in Zambia. Restarting wasn’t a new concept for my husband. He had a looser grip on life than me, flowed a lot easier than I ever learned to, and watching his ease encouraged me to develop my own.

It wasn’t until a vivid dream jarred me awake on the plane that I realized there’s a big difference between mimicking ease and truly embodying it. Over the past few weeks, my focus had quietly drifted from Jesus. Packing, planning, and starting new projects had slowly dimmed the steady flame we’d nurtured during our time in Zambia. The small voice that usually urged me to pray or stirred up scripture in my heart had become easier to put on hold. Now, sitting between my husband and a guy who smelled of a mix of must and Dove soap, I felt like my heart was ready to burst out of my chest. Every nerve felt as if it were short-circuiting, and my mind raced with an onslaught of mostly negative thoughts.

There’s no way I’m having a panic attack on this flight, not with all these people around I told myself. The sensation was so unfamiliar, I felt exposed and overwhelmed, burdened by an anxiety I hadn’t experienced in so long. My mind spiraled through question after question until, embarrassingly, I found myself trapped in a loop about the plane crashing and falling to my death. In a brief moment, right when I was about to burst into tears, Jesus came to my mind. I almost laughed aloud because I couldn’t believe how long it took me to think of Him.

There is power in the name of Jesus echoed in my mind first.

Everything must bow to the name of Jesus followed shortly after.

I am protected under the blood of Jesus repeated over and over until my heart finally slowed.

“jesus, jesus, jesus, there’s something about that name.” there’s something about that name (live) Gaither vocal band

It’s funny what God uses to minister to us when we open our eyes. When pastors and teachers would say He’s always speaking, I used to wonder if I was spiritually deaf or simply didn’t belong to Him. But over time, both naturally and spiritually, I’ve learned that if I slow to His pace and seek His voice, I’ll always find Him.

One of the most refreshing ways He speaks to me now is through Credo. In moments when I exhaust myself trying to carry a load that’s too heavy or stress about things Credo considers his responsibility as my husband, he’ll let me tire myself out for a moment before asking, ‘Why do you want to do my job so bad?’ We laugh, but then, a different voice echoes in my mind with the same question: Why do you want to do My job so bad?

Reflecting on my attitude in Zambia versus the moment I got on that plane, the difference is striking. In Zambia, I felt like I was floating—supported, but without a need to know what came next. My finances, my future—it wasn’t my business. Anxiety didn’t compute because I was resting in the palm of His hand. I knew my role as His child, and I trusted His role as my Father.

It’s amazing how a shift in location and familiarity can derail months of growth and revelation. Before, not being in control brought joy because I trusted that God was behind everything. But this morning, as I thought about house locations, reduced work hours, and Credo’s job search, I broke down, feeling too small and too limited for the path ahead. Then, Credo led us in prayer, gently reminding me that it’s God’s job—not mine—to work everything out for our good.

“For in the day of trouble, he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent and set me high upon a rock.” psalms 27:4-5

When changes happen in our lives, we all respond differently. Some people buckle down and get things done. Others find distraction works like a charm. For you, sitting at the feet of Jesus is the only answer. For me, it was working and, foolishly, striving to piece everything together on my own.

In Luke we find a story about two women who have a different response to the presence of Jesus in the midst of stress, let’s explore how He calls us to respond to Him.

Luke 10:38-39 “Now while they were on their way, Jesus entered a village [called Bethany], and a woman named Martha welcomed Him into her home. She had a sister named Mary, who seated herself at the Lord’s feet and was continually listening to His teaching.

What do we learn about Mary and Martha?

  • Martha is the hostess with the mostess.

  • Mary is a worshiper.

Luke 10:40-41But Martha was very busy and distracted with all of her serving responsibilities; and she approached Him and said, “Lord, is it of no concern to You that my sister has left me to do the serving alone? Tell her to help me and do her part. But the Lord replied to her, “Martha, Martha, you are worried and bothered and anxious about so many things.”

What do we learn about Martha?

  • The stress of life—planning, serving, orchestrating—has robbed her of peace, intimacy, and joy in the presence of Jesus.

  • Martha was doing things for Jesus, instead of being with Jesus. What things have been getting in the way of you being with Jesus?

What do we learn about anxiety?

  • It is a barrier between us and Jesus.

  • It skews our ability to assess what is important and meaningful.

  • It causes us to put responsibilities on ourselves and others that isnt right or necessary.

Luke 10:42but only one thing is necessary, for Mary has chosen the good part [that which is to her advantage], which will not be taken away from her.”

What do we learn about our response to Jesus?

  • It is advantageous to put our complete focus on Jesus in every circumstance.

  • It is necessary to prioritize intimacy with Jesus above all else.

“Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?” Luke 12:25-26

God was everywhere in Zambia. Yango drivers played gospel music from location to location. Buses and storefronts carried names like God With Us or God Saves, filling every corner and street with His presence. If you weren’t thinking of Him, you just weren’t paying attention. Sure, there were challenges—load shedding for one, the quality of towels and cleaning products in some places, cold showers, and sometimes no water. But despite all that, God was acknowledged everywhere. Anxiety, fear, comparison, and control had no room to thrive because He filled all the space.

Coming back, everything feels different. People seem skeptical and preoccupied, scared and lonely, distracted and hyper-focused on themselves. Exhaustion is everywhere—overwhelmed by the weight of burdens God continually invites us to lay at His feet. Our eyes and hearts are fixed on life’s challenges instead of Jesus. So many are preparing, working, and striving for God, instead of walking with Him.

In the midst of life’s uncertainty and the seemingly whimsical ways we are tossed from here to there, we are called to one simple, profound task: to fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith. Yes, we have responsibilities—God knows every single one of them. Yes, we have only 24 hours in a day—God has counted and ordained each of them. Yet, our assignment remains the same: complete and total focus on Jesus Christ. As we continue through this week and the days that follow after, let us retire all our working and striving, for a sweeter and more intimate space at the feet of Jesus.

Previous
Previous

DON’T BE SO DEFENSIVE

Next
Next

BEAR WITH, CONTEND FOR