DON’T BE SO DEFENSIVE
“I think the windows are letting the bugs in, so we shouldn’t open them tomorrow.”
“I didn’t open them today,” the words flew out of my mouth before I could stop them.
“I opened them,” he clarified, his tone smooth. “And tomorrow, we shouldn’t open them—like I just said.”
I laughed it off, brushing past the moment.
“Why do you do that?” he asked as he pulled me in for a hug.
“I don’t know what you mean,” I replied, my voice even. The next words sat heavy on my tongue, tossed from one side of my mouth to the other like hot food.
The conversation moved on, flowing to lighter topics, but, in truth, I knew exactly what he meant.
If I had been ready to be honest, I would have said that anything I perceive as criticism threatens my sense of self-worth. My therapist was the first to help me see this. I noticed similar patterns in some of my clients. And when I was finally ready, God exposed even more of myself to me.
The things that frustrated me—sometimes even offended me—about others were the very same things God exposed in myself. For example, my mom wasn’t hypercritical of us in the way her father had been of her, but she could still bruise us in similar places. Not intentionally—just her own conditioning. Somewhere deep inside, it left me with an instinct: to defend myself, to prove my innocence, even when no defense was needed.
For me, criticism has always felt amplified, as though it were a spotlight exposing some deeper truth: that I am not and will never be good enough.
But the reality is, the things I do well don’t reveal my inherent worth. They may show mastery, skill, or awareness, but my worth isn’t tied to what I do right—or even to what I do wrong.
“You Take me just as I am
You’d Choose me
All Over again
I am the One You Love” the one you love elevation worship & chandler moore
I remember trying to talk to my mom about how she affected me as a kid. Somehow, those conversations always seemed to land with her saying she wasn’t a good mom and hoping I’d do everything right when I had my own. At the time, I’d feel so confused, thinking she was being dramatic or dismissive.
But now, I see it differently. I understand her better. I realize how to love her more fully and communicate with her more gently—because we are bruised in the same places. Furthermore, I’ve come to see the effects of my unwillingness to consistently visit and revisit the wounded places in me with the truth of God’s Word. I can tell myself I am good enough, but on what basis? I can tell myself I am worthy, but according to who? In my own hands, my worth is only proven by what I do right. In the hands of others, my worth is based on how beneficial I am to them. So where can I find the truth about myself? Where can I find the courage and strength to just be?
“The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: ‘I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have drawn you with loving devotion’”. jeremiah 31:3 [niv]
Simply put, the answer to our struggle with worth, our feelings of being unlovable, and our battle with self-hate is found in Jesus Christ. Scripture tells us that He has given us everything pertaining to life and godliness—and that includes our inherent value and worth. When it says He bore our infirmities and diseases, it also includes the self-deprecating thoughts that whisper we are worthless.
Paul writes that he rejoices in his weaknesses because Christ’s power is made perfect in them. This shows that in weakness, you are worthy; in strength, you are worthy. Your worth is not contingent on what you can or cannot do.
In Corinthians, we learn that true love keeps no record of wrongs, and the Psalms remind us that God has separated our sins from us as far as the east is from the west. This means that every wrong and ugly thing, every foul and broken part of us, no longer touches us. It no longer defines us.
Everything we once used to disqualify ourselves has been taken away. It no longer belongs to us. And anything we carry that doesn’t belong to us keeps us from carrying what God has divinely given to us.
“continue to work out your salvation [that is, cultivate it, bring it to full effect, actively pursue spiritual maturity] with awe-inspired fear and trembling [using serious caution and critical self-evaluation to avoid anything that might offend God or discredit the name of Christ].” Philippians 2:12 [amp]
The things that happen to us—the willful harm we inflict on ourselves and the suffering we endure in this broken world—must be redefined and sanctified by Christ. Without this transformation, our responses, emotions, and actions will fail to reflect Him, His work, and the identity He has empowered us to embrace. Let’s consider the following scriptures as we discover how to allow Christ to transform everything about us.
Romans 12:2 [NIV] “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.”
The patterns of this world reflect the ruler of this world. Who is the ruler of this world? Satan.
What has scripture identified about the patterns of this world? 1 John 2:16 “For all that is in the world is the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world.”.
How do we renew our minds? Think on heavenly things (Philippians 4:8), taking up our cross (Matthew 16:24-26), throwing off baggage (Hebrews 12:1-3), study the word to show ourselves approved (2 Timothy 2:15).
Ephesians 4:21-24 [NIV] “That, however, is not the way of life you learned when you heard about Christ and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus. You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.”
The parts of ourselves that relied on sex, external validation, comparison, relationships, achievements, and man-made identities to justify our worth are all part of the “old self” we are called to put off.
“Putting off” means to renounce, give up, or cast away. We are called to give up every belief, way, thought, and action related to our old self.
Since we are made new by the attitudes of our minds it is imperative that we are constantly using the Word of God to expose any remnants of our old self and empower us to walk more boldly in our new selves.
“For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.” hebrews 4:12 [niv]
There is a temptation to believe that perfection can be achieved in this life. We seek therapy in the name of self-awareness. We attend deliverance conferences and we identify our gifts and talents, assuming we’ve learned enough about ourselves. We begin to believe we’ve reached some elevated level of “savedness” or “healing” and in doing so, we take our eyes off Christ and place them on each other.
Like me, we judge the level of defensiveness in others, landing somewhere between “I’d never do that” and “How could someone be that way?” We use other imperfect people as the standard for measuring how loving or hateful we are. But we are not the standard—Jesus is. His kindness and gentleness are the measure, not ours. His patience and long-suffering stand in contrast to our own.
With Him as the goal and at the center, we come to understand that our race is lifelong. We learn that if we stop or pause in our walk, we allow our old self to take another breath. We give space for the parts of us we ignore to become a playground for Satan and his lies.
When my husband asked, “Why do you always do that?” he offered me a light. But when I refused to engage and denied any awareness of what he saw in me, I chose to remain in the dark. I allowed the version of me who had to be perfect, who always had to get everything right, to live another day. My old self—rooted in an identity not grounded in the truth of Christ—was brought back to life.
Yet God has granted me freedom from that person—from an identity built on the fragile foundation of acceptance and affirmation from others. He has freed me from an identity that places its full, unbearable weight on my shoulders when I fail to achieve, obtain, or measure up to whatever goal lies ahead. What identity has God set you free from that you keep running back to? What freedom aren’t you walking in because of an unwillingness to look at the hard and wounded places within?
We don’t have to remain suffocated by our insecurities or anxieties. We don’t have to cling to anger or defensiveness. Bitterness and criticism and negativity don’t have to rule over us. Freedom is available—if we choose it.
