FRIENDSHIP AND THINGS
My first real relationship started when I was a sophomore in high school. With little to no understanding of the weight behind the things we promised each other, in true high school sweetheart fashion, we swore forever and marriage and houses and babies. In hindsight, and with a lot of cringe, I can now see how insufferable I was back then—leaving long-winded voicemails to vent weeks of grievances, giving the silent treatment when too triggered to address my emotions, grossly insecure and distrusting, and completely unregulated with no idea how to resolve conflict. Honestly, it's a surprise I managed to sustain any kind of relationship at the time. I’m sure many of us have similar stories—blowups and fallouts that could have been solved with a few simple words, misunderstandings built around unchecked thoughts, and months of unmet needs creating distance between us and those we love.
Communication and conflict resolutions skills are learned behaviors; they don’t just happen naturally. In a former post, Communication Styles, we learn how family dynamics heavily impact our relational and emotional show-up. Additionally, we learn that without intentional intervention or effort we will be as emotionally intelligent as we were when we were children. In conversations with my clients, I remind them that they didn’t choose their parents and the coping skills formed to provide safe spaces for themselves in their youth isn’t their fault. Often normalizing that the discovery of the affects of childhood happens over the course of our entire lives.
But as an adult, with full autonomy autonomy over our lives, we have the power to redefine old beliefs, patterns, and coping skills that no longer serves us. It is up to us to develop skills that promote love, healthy connections, and authenticity in relationships.
“No one has greater love [nor stronger commitment] than to lay down his own life for his friends.” joHN 15:13 [AMP]
When I consider Jesus and how well He loved His friends, I’m reminded of how deeply love can run in relationships. Even with Thomas who doubted, Jesus loved him specifically, showing him a sign that He truly resurrected (John 20:24-29). Peter, who was fiery and often comparative, was loved intentionally even after His denial of Jesus (Matthew 26:69-75). Judas, the great betrayer, was still loved sacrificially by Jesus, even to the point of washing his feet (John 13:5-11). In each of these moments, Jesus could have chosen pride or frustration in response to their shortcomings, but He didn’t. Jesus carried a level of vulnerability, openness, and intentionality in all His relationships, yet, not everyone was granted the same access. At the transfiguration, only James, John, and Peter were invited to witness it. In the Garden of Gethsemane, it was these same three who were called to pray with Him.
Through these interactions, we learn that Jesus wasn’t a pushover or a raging bull. He didn’t harbor secret resentment but confronted His friends at the right moments, always in love. The idea that being Christ-like in relationships means being a mute pushover who never speaks up for yourself is simply not true. Jesus modeled love, honesty, and wisdom in how He navigated friendships and communication, and we are called to do the same.
“If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.” ecclesiastes 4:10 [niv]
The responsibility to identify and lovingly express our emotions and concerns lies with us. Passive-aggressively shifting our energy or emotionally retreating as a form of punishment or correction will never lead to authentic relationships. Similarly, becoming defensive or rejecting the feedback of a trusted person about our behavior or character prevents vulnerability and closeness from growing. We will never be perfect people, partners, or friends. Hurting others is inevitable, and mishandling emotions will happen. However, if we are to love and bear with others as Christ did, we must be courageous in confronting our own shortcomings. We must be willing to be vulnerable, open, and endure for the sake of love and meaningful relationships. Let’s explore some common areas of conflict in relationships.
Communication:
Verbal communication is a clear and succinct way for those in relationships to relay messages to increase closeness, encourage positive behavior, express reassurance, and express unmet needs or hurt.
“I feel like you..” is a statement that needs to be retired from our vocabulary. To assume a person’s meaning, intent, or feelings towards you fosters defensiveness. The truth is we don’t always know a person’s meaning, intent, or feeling. The distance between what we believe and what has occurred is where the offense lives. It is our job to talk about what we know, not what we assume.
Refined versions: I feel alone when [insert action], when [insert action] I feel insecure about us, I need [insert action] in order to feel seen and understood by you. In all of these statements you are speaking about what you know. You are separating the action from the person, decreasing the likelihood for defensiveness, and aligning you both on the same team.
Identification of emotions is your responsibility. We are all adults. The gymnastics of guessing and perceiving intent and emotions is exhausting. Take the time to care about yourself enough to explore the way you feel. Consider others enough to express clear and honest messaging.
Stay focused on the current issue. If someone is bringing something to you, this isn’t the opportunity for you to bring something up as well. The discomfort, shame, embarrassment, or remorse you feel are your emotions to hold. Let the current issue be the only issue.
Needs/Expectations
Emotional needs are specific to each person. As previously learned we all grew up with different ideas and beliefs about relationships. In every relationship we are blending two worlds together, don’t assume another person’s needs, ask. Moreover, don’t assume the person you are in relationship thinks, perceives, understands, or feels like you. They probably don’t.
Unexpressed expectations can’t be held against the other person. Support, love, betrayal, attention, quality time, effort etc. all mean something different to people. Our individual experiences are informing our definitions, expectations, and perceptions in relationships. Incorporating grace, curiosity, and the benefit of the doubt can foster loving responses, deeper connection, and true intimacy.
Self-awareness
You have blind spots. You don’t experience yourself in the same way others do. Their unique perspective allows them to call out things you can’t see. To deny, reject, or rage out at the point of any correction or observation given is immature.
You have triggers. It is possible for you to have intense reactions to things that negatively impact the people you are in relationship with. It doesn’t make you a bad person for having triggers. It also doesn’t make them a bad person for having a reaction to your behavior. Investigating and taking time to explore your triggers are your responsibility.
You need to know your values. Intimately knowing your needs, desires, and capacity for relationship is your responsibility. People who aren’t aligned with your values aren’t responsible for shapeshifting into what you want.
There are consequences to boundaries. Setting boundaries is wonderful and can be extremely helpful in relationships. Boundaries can also change the dynamic of relationships. People have the freedom and right to choose to recommit to the new dynamic in the relationship or to walk away. Boundaries used as a means to control others is manipulation. Refusal or punishment given to discourage a person from setting boundaries is also manipulation.
“a friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity” proverbs 17:17 [niv]
I first learned about friendship through the relationships I built and witnessed in my family. We grew up watching our parents gather at Grandma’s on Sundays and holidays. Some of us remember how they opened their homes to Uncle Junior, even in the midst of him struggling. We saw them argue and make up, but they always found ways to show up for each other. In many ways, that sense of loyalty and unconditional love rubbed off on so many of us. Our families shape us, sometimes in wonderful ways and other times in heartbreaking ways, but it doesn’t have to end there. Through scripture, we’ve learned that we are invited into another family, one with kinder and better ways. One that considers others and loves without strings, one that remains and perseveres, one that lasts. Scripture allows us to renew our minds and redefine the way we see and value others. It forces us to see people the way Christ always has. We don’t have to do relationships the way we have always done them. We can love and care for others better. As we continue to reflect on ourselves and our relationships, let’s challenge one another to pursue love and relationship with others in the way God designed.
