EMOTIONS AND RELATIONSHIP STUFF
Insecurity and comparison had me by the neck for most of my life. In my relationships with men, it always seemed to creep up and make an embarrassing appearance. Many of the men I dated lacked integrity—both on social media and in real life—and their behavior, along with my choice to date them in the first place, revealed a lot about what I believed about myself and what I believed about God. But with Credo, it was different. For the first time, insecurity didn’t make a fool out of me or complicate getting to know each other.
Still, after learning about his last relationship and previous engagement, a few yellow flags went up. All my exes had stayed friends with their former partners, and here I was with a man who had an ex-fiancé. I mean, he had an entire planned life and family with someone else. However, as I was still getting to know and trust his character, I couldn’t help but wonder if that door was truly closed—or if they were just waiting for the right time to rekindle things.
One night, while finishing my shift at the blood center, we were on the phone, as had become our routine. It was getting late, maybe around 11pm, our conversation bounced from topic to topic for a few hours. In a fit of laughter, with what felt like ease and routine, he called me his ex’s name. The laughter dried and silence stretched long between us as I searched for something easy to say.
“Let’s just call it tonight,” I said calmly. “We can try again in the morning.”
“Aliyah I am so sorry,” He started.
He went on to explain how there was nothing there. Urging me to trust who I have known him to be—a man of integrity and a man who loves me. I didn’t say much, just listened and tried not to jump to any conclusions. We ended the call like we always did, with a Proverb and a prayer.
For context, he had been in that relationship for five years and we had only been dating for a few months. Recalling all the work I had done with God and in therapy up until this point I realized I had two options—blow the spot up like I usually do or choose to exercise the skills I have learned and freedom God has given me.
emotions give us information about our beliefs and provide revelation about where to go next.
In both my roles as a patient and counselor, I’ve come to see emotions not as good or bad, but as necessary to fully love and honor our human experience. Emotions are just giving us information. They don’t have to dictate our choices, conversations, or actions—but they provide a lens into our hearts, offering an opportunity to understand what’s really going on.
As someone who has been prone to comparison and insecurity for most of her life, jumping to irrational conclusions was my specialty. But through the redemption of the Lord and much-needed therapy, I’ve come to realize that I have options. I have also realized that in building a life with another person, romantically or platonically, there are things that belong to me, to them, and to us.
Now, Credo calling me his ex’s name brought up past issues for me. Again, insecurity, comparison, fear, and hurt. All of those things happened before he met me, which, although an action of his has triggered old baggage and beliefs, that’s my stuff. My stuff to sift through, my stuff to investigate, and my stuff to communicate in love and with grace.
emotions do not always reflect reality, truth, or common sense.
When I get to using emo-logic, well, anything goes. Let’s go over some of the stories I shuffled through after this moment.
Credo probably still loves his ex and doesn’t know it.
Credo is using me as a place holder until they can rekindle things.
Credo is comparing us to each other to see who his a better fit.
Credo is waiting for her to come back to him because he wants her back.
Somebody like him wouldn’t be with someone like me.
He misses her and our relationship reminds him of how much he loves her.
I wish I could say that was the worst of it, but I’m a creative writer—so by the time we got off the phone, in my mind, they were already married with kids. Those were my automatic thoughts, which can be defined as: Rapid, involuntary, and spontaneous cognitive processes that occur without conscious effort or awareness. In other words, a response to a trigger without conscious thought or action. We have learned in a previous post that thoughts are often reflective of past experiences, beliefs, or attitudes we have. My beliefs and past experiences are mine to work through and to manage. Projecting the responsibility of those things onto Credo is out of place, so let’s explore how I investigated my automatic thoughts through some CBT SKILLS.
COGNITIVE REFRAMING IS A THERAPEUTIC PROCESS THAT HELPS US REVEAL, CHALLENGE, AND REPLACE IRRATIONAL OR NEGATIVE THOUGHTS.
We will use the first irrational thought: Credo is in love with his ex and does not know it.
If I accept this thought as truth how will this affect my relationship? Lack of trust and intimacy.
What belief is driving this thought? I am not good enough or worthy of this type of love.
What evidence do I have to support this thought? He called me her name once.
What evidence do I have to refute this thought? The character he has shown me for months, his transparency, they haven’t been in contact with each other for years, and he has shown no signs or interest in any other woman since we have started dating.
One incident is not enough to eclipse a person’s character or overall behavior towards you. Letting it do so would only be a way to protect yourself from imagined hurt or pain created in your own mind. Investigation of our irrational thoughts is the first step and modification or replacement of them would be the next step.
A more rational thought sounds like: Credo has shown me no indication or behavior that he has been unfaithful or untruthful to me.
Another rational thought would be: Calling me by his ex’s name has introduced a possibility that he is similar to the people I have dated in the past.
Another rational thought: My struggle with comparison and insecurity is making it difficult for me to accept this action as a one-off.
COMMUNICATING EMOTIONS IN A TRIGGERED AND IRRATIONAL PLACE WILL ALWAYS LEAD TO MORE CONFUSION, DISTANCE, AND CONTENTION.
The following morning, Credo called like he always did. He apologized for how he reacted to his mistake the night before, expressing shame and embarrassment for clearly hurting me and making the moment about him instead of my feelings. He then asked, "Where are you this morning?".
I had two choices: I could enter the conversation with guns blazing, or I could lead with vulnerability and clarity. In communication, it’s important to evaluate the purpose and motivation behind the language we choose.
I started, “I have a long history with insecurity and comparison which makes me extremely sensitive to situations like last night [vulnerability about and acknowledgement about how my past experiences are affecting my emotions]. It is important for me to be able to trust what you say and to feel secure in our relationship [clarity of what I need and what was affected by the incident the night before]. If there is anything unresolved or left in the tank for her or anyone, I really need you to be honest about it.”
He reiterated much of what he said the night before, explaining the work he did to move on from all past relationships. He reminded me of how transparent he had been so far, and asked me to allow his actions to show me who he is and who he wants to be to me.
Now, I have a choice again: I can either run with the story I’ve created in my mind, or I can use all the information I’ve gathered—from the situation, his input, and my own feelings—to make an informed, rational, and emotionally grounded decision.
emotional maturity only happens when we apply the skills and knowledge we have obtained to make better decisions.
As we’ve learned in previous posts, through Christ, we have been set free from all things. Comparison, insecurity, fear, hurt, and disappointment no longer have to be the lens through which we experience life or relationships. Christ has given us more options—to experience love without fear, to offer grace and forgiveness, and to be vulnerable and open, inviting others to do the same.
Through therapy and other cognitive tools we can learn practical ways to challenge and question our own thoughts, explore and process past experiences, and identify belief systems that no longer work for who we are or where we are going.
We don’t have to be the same. We don’t have to experience life the way we have always known it. We are capable of deep, transformative, and long-lasting change. All we have to do is lean into it!
