JEALOUS MUCH?
He wrings out his flesh before God, I thought as I tossed and turned in bed. Philip Anthony Mitchell isn’t my usual type of preacher—his style, a relative to my mom’s teaching on crack, usually leaves me sitting with my booty cheeks clenched tight through the whole message. Yet, I often find myself watching him, intrigued and scratching my head at his attitude toward God and his utter disgust with sin.
With curiosity and a bit of 3 a.m. courage, I prayed, God, show me anything in my heart that’s hidden. Now, the last time I asked God to show me something at 3 a.m., I ended up dreaming about Spongebob, so I wasn’t exactly hopeful He’d answer me in my dreams this time. But, to my unpleasant surprise, He did.
On a random visit back home, two of my best friends announced they were pregnant. With noses stretched and hands sweetly resting on their bellies, they both exclaimed, “Can you believe we’re pregnant?” They waddled around the room like penguins, rejoicing—crackheadly, I might add—over their pregnancies. Their laughter and squeals echoed in my mind, swirling over and over until my eyes shot open. Jaw clenched and fists balled, I let out a deep sigh. Oh, you’re secretly raging out, I realized. I didn’t even know what to do with that if I’m being honest, so I did nothing.
A few days later, my father-in-law, in one of his noteworthy speeches, began, “Children are a gift from God, and you must be open to the Lord’s blessings.” Referring to himself and his favor with bearing many children, he urged us all to mirror his attitude. Credo slid his hand over to my knee, giving it a gentle squeeze that seemed to pull the breath I was holding. Once again, I thought, Oh, you’re raging out bad. But still, it wasn’t enough to pull me back into prayer with God about what to do with myself—I just kept moving.
After his speech, someone in HR reached out: “Heard you were expecting. Let’s connect about maternity leave and schedule changes.” I could’ve smashed my phone in two and banged my head against the wall. Saying the wind kept getting knocked out of me would be an understatement, but I kept moving. A bit later, a client told me I was glowing and asked if I was pregnant. I could’ve erupted—No, I’m actually glowing with sadness and despair. Still, no movement toward prayer, and still raging out.
Finally, in a conversation with my dad, I confessed, “This lady told me she took her daughter to get an abortion today, and I couldn’t even be fully present with her. Like, do you know what I would give to still be pregnant right now.. I can’t tell if I’m jealous or angry or sad—I don’t know what to do.”
“You have to ask God to change your heart,” he said plainly.
“It feels like He did this to me,” I cried. “I don’t care why—you’re right. I pray, I write, I spend time with Him, I love Him. But it feels like He just wants something else from me.”
“He is the only one who can heal your heart,” my dad responded. “I can’t help you. Credo can’t help you. Your mom can’t help you. He’s the only way out.”
I can’t quite decipher what’s going on. I know God doesn’t harm or hurt us, but it feels like He pushed me off my bike, and now I want to show Him I can get up on my own. It confuses me because I’m obsessed with Him. I pray, I spend so much time with Him—this is probably the closest I’ve ever felt to Him. But as He draws closer to me and this wound, my knee-jerk reaction is to hide it from Him or to try and handle this part on my own.
there is no part of our lives that god is not interested in.
As we’ve learned in previous posts, God is the perfect Father. We’ve also learned that emotions, while not inherently good or bad, serve to inform and reveal a path forward. In Ephesians, we are told we can be angry, but it immediately warns us not to sin, not to let the sun go down on our anger, and not to give the devil a foothold. If I am being honest, I wanted to stop at the allowance of anger, but I’d be a hypocrite if I did that. So, lets consider the order and context of these scriptures.
Ephesians 4:26-27 “Be angry [at sin—at immorality, at injustice, at ungodly behavior], yet do not sin.
What are we learning about God’s understanding of us?
He acknowledges and respects our emotions. After being told, “Quit crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.”, there is a level of shame accompanied with feeling emotions. Maybe even a resistance to them. Please know, there is room at God’s throne for your humanity and your emotions.
What do we learn about emotion and sin?
There can be a close relationship between anger and sin. If someone hurts you, something awful happens to you, and you have emotions about it, it is completely normal. Again, you aren’t a robot. Emotions in themselves are not sinful, but they can lead you into sin.
Loneliness can lead into sexual immorality. Envy can lead to murder. Jealousy can lead to judgement. Anger can lead to unforgiveness. Emotions are not sinful, but left unchecked they can be.
do not let your anger [cause you shame, nor allow it to] last until the sun goes down.
What are instructed to do with our anger [emotions]?
Set a time limit for them. You are a human being. Emotions are engrained in the human experience. Emotions sitting idle in your heart or spirit can cause things to rot, negative ideas to form, and division to occur.
And do not give the devil an opportunity [to lead you into sin by holding a grudge, or nurturing anger, or harboring resentment, or cultivating bitterness].
What do we learn about unaddressed anger [emotions]?
It unlocks a door for Satan to walk through. Darkness leaves once light comes. It isn’t gradual, at the point of light entering a room, darkness vanishes. Emotions that have not been brought before God increase the likelihood for sin and agreement with Satan.
Ephesians 4 discusses unity in the body of Christ, spiritual gifting, and how we are now called to live with ourselves, other believers and unbelievers. Let’s look at a scripture a few verses above.
Ephesians 4:18 “for their [moral] understanding is darkened and their reasoning is clouded; [they are] alienated and self-banished from the life of God [with no share in it; this is] because of the [willful] ignorance and spiritual blindness that is [deep-seated] within them, because of the hardness and insensitivity of their heart.”
The writer explains that hardness and insensitivity of heart stem from ignorance, spiritual blindness, clouded and darkened understanding, and being alienated from God. What can we learn about our emotions and their potential? We learn that our emotions, when disconnected or kept from God, can lead to alienation and create opportunities for us to become calloused, bitter, and fall into sin.
“Indeed the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not be afraid; you are far more valuable than many sparrows.” LUKE 12:7 [AMP]
After the first couple of weeks, the "thinking of yous" and "praying for yous" stopped. My readiness and willingness to share where I was or how I felt began to slow. Nobody was rushing me to move on, but I guess I just wanted to. My body seemed to be moving on faster than I was, which made me jealous. My boobs shrinking and stomach flattening—every day, there’s a new reminder of how alone I am in my body. What I would give for sore boobs again, or to be constipated or exhausted. Annoying at the time, yet each symptom tied that itty bitty heart to mine.
Lately, I have been learning everyone I love has a “something." A wedding coming up, a baby of their own, a dead brother, an incarcerated brother, a lonely heart, drowning in school—everyone is occupied and stretched, just like me. Everyone has to carry their own emotions, just like me. I honestly didn’t think I had much left to talk about, or maybe it’s more accurate to say that I didn’t want to talk. Still, everyone’s seasons are aligning in such a way that I have nowhere left to go but to God.
It’s kind of funny how He weaves lives together—the grief of a son going to prison alongside the joy of a bonus son being brought into the family. A niece entering the world, and a baby returning to God’s presence. An uncle still wrongfully separated from his family, and the joining of two hearts in marriage. Grief and joy, love and pain, anger and peace— all happening at the same time. Sweet reminders to see Him and seek Him, to hold His hand and marvel at His glory, to know each of our days—yours and mine—have been carefully orchestrated and intertwined with the best of Him everywhere we look, if only we choose to look.
Emotions are real, and sometimes incredibly painful, but there isn’t a part of us that has to remain untouched or unseen. He is near to the brokenhearted because He cares. He comforts those who mourn because He loves. He collects all our tears because we matter deeply to Him. If He counts the hairs on our head and recognizes the sound of our voice when we call out to Him, what makes us think our emotions are too messy, too small, or too ugly for Him? We don’t have to do it alone. He doesn’t want us to do it alone. He is a father who wants to be intimately involved with every single part of us.
